Mindy Kaling, 43, on reading mean reviews about her looks: ‘I didn’t know I was that unattractive until I was the star of my own show’

Mindy Kaling’s life has come full circle.

The pioneering writer, actress and producer, 43, speaks candidly about how she’s still dealing with grief after the death of her mother and how raising two children alone has given her a new perspective on work-life balance.

When speaking to Marie Claire on a range of topics — motherhood, mental health, her successful career — for her “Wellness Issue,” Kaling discussed the experience of losing her mother to pancreatic cancer in 2012 and recalled trying to cover up the emotional turmoil by “Worked 14, 16, hours a day.”

“I can only describe it as two years of agony,” she said of that time. It eventually became too much to bear alone, so she decided to seek the help of a therapist — though admittedly she had to unlearn cultural biases from her South Asian upbringing.

“If someone you knew, or someone in your family or extended family, was seeing a therapist or a psychologist or taking medication or anything, that was seen as a real problem, real sadness [or] Tragedy for a family,” she explained. “That’s just how I was brought up – [like] the other Indians around me… [Families] Try to deal with this through closed doors and certainly not by asking someone outside of your family or community for help.”

“I don’t want my kids to grow up like that. And I don’t want to be like that to myself,” she said of breaking the cycle. “Ultimately, it’s about efficiency. I think you get things done better when you can talk to the right people about the things that are going on in your life. I remember thinking This is extremely helpful, but would have been helpful even when I was younger when I was struggling.”

“Life is so hard,” she added. “And I don’t think you should just rely on friends and family to get you through these things.”

Therapy, she says, also helped her understand where her priorities should lie as a single mother of two children: Katherine, 4, and Spencer, 1.

The story goes on

“I think in my twenties I was just focused on, ok, I don’t want to get fired. I want to be successful and I was only thinking about myself,” she said. “In no way did I think about things that are most important to me now, which are my health, holding the door behind me for other people… I’ve kind of lived a much more selfish existence, which is also boring… [Now] I’m surrounded by so many more people. Of course my immediate family with my kids, but also this community of young women on my show.”

As she reflects on her decision to have children alone in her late thirties, the I have never The producer said it was one of the wisest — and most mature — decisions she’s made in her life.

“I waited until I had the means and that made all the difference,” she explained of motherhood. “Deciding to have a child — alone, on your own terms — was the best part of my life … I hope women feel confident enough.”

“I wish every 19-year-old girl came home from college and the gift — instead of buying them jewelry or a vacation or whatever — was that their parents would take them to freeze their eggs,” she later advised. “They could do that once and have all these balls to themselves, to their future… to focus on their careers in their 20s and 30s, and yes love, but to know that when they’re emotionally ready, and when they don’t do it. If you don’t have a partner, you can still have children.”

The showrunner’s passion for empowering women in their writing — especially Indian women — is evident in her roster of projects, which includes HBO’s College Girls Sex Life. Being able to do that, she explains, is a blessing.

“When I write shows about Indian women and their interests, I want to do something original, but I also don’t want to shy away from things I’ve seen before: obsession with success; Elitism about schools,” she explained. “These are things that were real in my family and I dealt with that. But what was really important was also the destigmatization of mental health.”

Taking on a behind-the-scenes role has also revealed some ugly truths about her place in Hollywood.

“The amount of articles like, ‘It’s so good for a culture that this unattractive woman is finally in front of the camera,'” she said of reading old reviews for her hit show The Mindy Project. “I didn’t know I was that unattractive until I was the star of my own show. So you don’t have to see these things [now]that’s wonderful.”

Nonetheless, Kaling now has a newfound confidence and won’t let any of the haters get him down. She worked too hard for that.

“After being so miserable in my teens and 20s… I feel so content now,” she explained. “I’m so happy with my career. I love my family. I love my freedom – I have the freedom that comes with financial stability and I don’t have to direct anyone.”

“I love going on set and watching these actors say my words and come up to me and ask how I see things,” she said of her work I have never. “It’s beyond the wildest dreams my late mother could have hoped for me.”

Kaling has opened up about her parenting journey in the past. In conversation with Yahoo Life In January, the author spoke about when to have children — and why it’s important to do it right.

“I [didn’t] want to wake up and just never can [have kids]because more than writing and making shows, my big life dream was to be a mom because of my relationship with my mom,” she said at the time. “I’ve had some professional things that I was hoping didn’t materialize or were delayed. And I just thought, ‘What do I do? I just have to have a kid.’”

Now, she explained, parenthood makes her “appreciate the time I see my adult friends.”

“I feel like I enjoy it so much more because of the scarcity,” she said. “And as most busy working parents will tell you, it’s made me turn off all the people who just don’t matter… I can’t keep up with so many of these relationships anymore. It’s just not going to happen.”

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