Advice | I Learned My Wife’s Sex History And I’m Not Sure I Want To Stay: Ask Ellie

Q I recently married a girl I’ve been engaged to for three years. We met when I was 25, she was 22.

She is jealous. I had to lose several close friends. My male friends and I were not allowed to talk about my past relationships.

A week before our wedding, a friend revealed the truth about my bride that had made me consistently choose her over my lifelong friends.

He said that I was the fourth guy she slept with in the nine months before we met, and many others before that.

When I confronted her about it, she explained that her standards were only for me, that I should just forgive her and move on.

I’m struggling to stay in this relationship.

Should I forgive her?

AYour friend may have believed that he would save you from marrying a scammer, but their sexual relations apparently took place before she had married you.

Yes, her confession and expectation of forgiveness certainly come as a surprise. Why had she had sex with so many guys? Why did she marry you?

They’re both young and seemingly inexperienced as to what a long-term relationship actually looks like when it involves a commitment from two people to love and respect one another.

Maybe the romantic idea of ​​getting married just caught up with you both.

But a thoughtful love partner doesn’t just hide/ignore past behavior that can hurt the other so deeply and expect immediate forgiveness.

Say “No, not now” to her request for immediate forgiveness. Instead, take some time to “think.” Your future is yours (and so is yours), so focus deeply on what happened.

Take a few weeks just for yourself to reflect on what you’re feeling inside beyond the shock/pain/embarrassment. Also consider the quality of your relationship up to this point.

Has marriage brought you closer? Were you easily intimate with each other? Were you comfortable just being with her?

I urge them to both consider joint marriage counseling. During the counseling session, ask your bride to say out loud why she married you and whether you can still trust her.

Then ask yourself what you can live together if you stay in this marriage. Also whether forgiveness is possible or not and why. This sudden revelation is about you and her as a couple, not your friends or their judgments.

QMy 20-year-old spouse passed away eight years ago. i felt lost

Later I was followed by someone from overseas who came to Canada to study. But because of the age difference, I was very hesitant at first.

I was raised to make an effort to make a relationship work. I sponsored this person during the immigration process even though he was very evasive and never introduced me to his friends.

I later learned that he was dating someone else while his immigration application went through the system. He even brought them to my house when I wasn’t there.

Half a year after he received his status, he left me and banned me from all social media. I found out that he is starting a new life with this other person in another city.

I reported him to immigration for fraud.

have i gone too far Should I just let him go? I don’t think I should be taken for a free ride when the other person could have sponsored him.

Aversion to “Freeride”

AHe is already gone. Yes, he used you to get his immigration status. Knowing this, be relieved that you didn’t bother with him anymore.

Now the immigration authorities decide his future, not you.

Ellie’s tip of the day

A long-term couple relationship thrives on mutual fairness and equal support.

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