Bachelorette Finale Recap: Two Ladies + Two Men Left = Happy Endings?

The two of this season bachelorette Stars had already picked their final men ahead of Tuesday’s season finale. So that should be a no-brainer, right? Well, more like a breeze heralding the onset of a hurricane.

The (three-hour!) finale begins on an oddly celebratory note when host Jesse Palmer breaks the silence and says he’s hoping for two happy endings for Gabby and Rachel, but “it didn’t turn out that way.” uh-oh He alludes to the upcoming “Scandal and Treason” and alludes directly to Tino’s “Indiscretions” and Erich’s “SMS”. whoops He snaps the two ladies out for an awkward hello, and then we catch up in Mexico with Gabby, who turns serious after Erich tells her he wants to date her first before he gets engaged. She’s firm, “I need him to propose.” But after he tells her how devastated he would be if they broke up, she softens a bit and seems reassured that she can can get through. We believe!

Rachel, meanwhile, goes to see how Tino is doing after her breakup with Aven, and he says he’s “no doubt great, as always.” OK, this guy is way more confident than any person should ever be, but Rachel rushes right past him and tells him he’s the only guy left and they share a flood of happy kisses. However, we can’t help but note that it’s Rachel Not smiling as she watches this on the live show. Back in Mexico, she and Gabby share a dizzying champagne toast together, gushing about their respective beau’s and how completely safe they are. Rachel even says of Tino, “If it’s not him, I don’t know who it could be.” Yes, we’re being set for some serious heartbreak here, folks. Buckle up.

It’s time for Rachel’s final rose ceremony and she and Tino get excited as they hold hands. (We got a little robbed because we knew ahead of time who the last boys were, didn’t we, Bachelor Nation?) She rattles off all the things she loves about him, and he tells her what they have, “goes.” never gone.” (Honestly, we can barely hear her over the rushing fountain and the ominous screeching of birds in the background. It’s a sign!) It seems cute and all, but Rachel and her family have death looks on their faces on the live show , so we know it’s all a bunch of lies. Tino gets on one knee and proposes to her, and she says yes, and… yay? We’re about as happy as Rachel looks right now watching this. “This is the happiest moment of my life,” says a tearful Rachel … and that just means it’s all downhill from here.

On the live show, Rachel explains what happened next: “It was really great for a time” between her and Tino, but they “went through a difficult time” when the show premiered. She says she tried her best to keep their relationship together, but “I just didn’t feel that support” from him. She was hoping they could make things right by the finale, but then Tino expressed some vague concerns about “relationships from the past,” and in the end, according to Rachel, “it didn’t really work out. He betrayed me.” We cut to Rachel, who is being comforted by Gabby, who advises her to “kick him in the balls [bleep]Bullets.” (That’s a friend now!) Rachel also says Tino told her, “I regret telling you,” which is… not great! (We just want to say that we never trusted Tino to begin with and are feeling very smug right now.)

Tino comes to a tense sit and admits he ‘fucked it up’ and ‘kissed another girl’ — but did it just make him want Rachel more? Also, it was “the smallest thing ever,” so why are we even talking about it? He even brought his journal so he could quote Rachel the things she had said that made him think they broke up. When he says she refused to go to therapy, she says it’s a lie and they fight back and forth in an ugly way for a while. He eventually walks out angrily, with the two venting at the producers and Tino crying, “Tell her to break up with me. Let me out.” He eventually comes back but sticks to his story about how “tiny” what he did was and Rachel sees red. When she catches him in a lie, he acts confused and then kicks again back, forcing her to chase him outside demanding answers. He begs for another chance and vows to make things right. But she declares, “I’m done,” and gives him the live to thunderous applause -Audience returns his ring, Tino slinks away in shame… and we’d like to applaud too.

After an awkward rerun with Jesse, where Rachel firmly says she does Not Still loving Tino (and her dad Tony looks ready to punch Tino in the face), they bring Tino out for the post-breakup ritual – and he actually gets booed! At first, he apologizes profusely for everything, but he’s still analyzing words and defending himself, and Rachel has none of it. When he mentions again how he thought they broke up, she gets angry and asks, “Do you want to address that?” Hinting at personal things that have been excised from their earlier confrontation (hmmm), she makes it absolutely clear: “We never had a break.” (Where’s Ross Geller when we need him?) Tino gasps here, and the live audience comes close to choking him as Jesse mercifully tunes out.

But hey, look who’s there! It’s Aven! He walks out to thunderous applause while Tino stares nearby, and offers his condolences to Rachel, asking her if she wants to “come out here and catch up.” She happily says yes and they walk away together, leaving Jesse awkwardly with Tino. So, did the producers feel guilty about inflicting two devastating breakups on Rachel in one year, so they orchestrated a fabricated “happy ending” that won’t last a week? Probably! Even Jesse says it, “This is so weird.”

Finally, after all this, it’s Gabby’s turn. She’s still worried that Erich isn’t ready to get engaged, but she has faith in what they have and they all smile when they meet at the final rose ceremony – but those birds are screeching again! Is this another omen? Erich knows she needs someone who will be there for her, and “I want to be that for you.” And he takes the plunge and asks her to marry him – and she says yes! We’re definitely cheering for them both, but after all that mess with Rachel, we’re also a bit scatterbrained. Will they make it to the live show? What’s with the text messages that Jesse mentioned? Back on the live show, he tells us that “all has not been rosy since that proposal” … and we’re just preparing at this point.

However, Erich shares a hearty kiss with Gabby as he joins the live show, making everything look like a love dove. (And his mullet is gone!) They share their proposal and it seems they’re still together, thank goodness. But Jesse snoops a bit into the issues they were having, roasting Erich about an ex-girlfriend of his who claims he only broke up with her to get on the show and “get a career opportunity.” Jesse even sends her text messages to the big screen (!), with Erich telling the girl that the show “isn’t real.” But that was before he got on the show, Erich points out, and he didn’t think he’d meet someone like Gabby. He admits he didn’t take this breakup well, and Gabby knows it. But she seems to accept his explanation, and the crowd is behind them – and hey, we need a happy ending, dammit!

So… do we still have an hour left somehow? Jesse whiles the time quizzing Gabby about her new stint Dancing with the stars and turn to three former Bachelorettes for advice. (None of them are still dating their last husbands, but still!) Also, we meet the new Bachelor — Rachel’s ex Zach — and they even get an early start to the new season, with Zach meeting five of his potential wives live and viewers too Vote at home via tweets to give Brianna a first taste of Rose. However, Zach didn’t get off to a good start when Jesse asked him to remember one of the girls’ names afterwards. Well, you’ve got four months to practice, mate!

Have thoughts on this mess bachelorette Final? What do we think of Zach as a bachelor? Click on the comments and share your thoughts.