“When do I tell a potential partner about my health battle?” Five Essential Dating Tips for Breast Cancer Survivors

While it’s normal to feel apprehensive about dating in general, stepping in during or after cancer can be particularly nerve-wracking as you wonder how people might react to your “club” status.

I was battling triple negative breast cancer during the peak of the pandemic in 2020, moved out and split from my ex while on chemotherapy — and am now divorced. The good news? Well that was the good news!

But even better, since beating the disease I have fortunately met a supportive partner and found happiness where I least expected it. Granted the fear was there, and those feelings still surface at times, but I’m so grateful I made the decision to do it.

Here are 5 tips for all you survivors out there on navigating the post-cancer singles scene!

1. Decide if you are ready

Whether you’re fresh out of the “I just beat cancer” boat or you’re adjusting to living with cancer long-term, the most important thing is to assess whether you’re ready to explore a romantic relationship with someone .

Some people may feel ready and then quickly realize they are not.

relationships and cancer

As New York-based author and actress Jill Kargman puts it, cancer can help sort out the “shit.”

“When you get cancer, it’s a great way to tell if your partner is the love of your life or if you’re the damn brain,” Jill told SurvivorNet.

“A lot of middle-aged people are at a crossroads waiting for their kids to fly out of the stable and I think when you’re with someone who doesn’t support you [during cancer]or sort of emotionally checked out, or not telling you you’re still beautiful…that might not be your person.”

Related: Breast cancer survivor Hoda Kotb ‘cherishes being single’ after splitting from fiancé is ‘on tiptoe’ in her dating life

Just as every cancer battle is different, every person is different and there is no right answer. Just don’t push yourself. If it’s happening organically then just go with it and see how it feels. But if you feel like you’re physically and emotionally unable to fully immerse yourself, don’t be afraid to put the dating life on the table for a while or slow down with something that may not be right timing for you seems to be .

Equally important in your situation is honesty.

2. Be honest

Personally, I think it’s important to be honest with a potential new partner about what you’ve been through, but even that’s something you have to decide for yourself. You have the right to be as private as you want with your news, but before you decide, think about the other person in the situation.

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While it might not be best to spill the beans on a first date, if you feel some chemistry and there’s a way to get serious with this person, they have a right to know what they’re getting into.

See also: Survivor Sheryl Crow: ‘My Breast Cancer Diagnosis Stopped Me From Dating Narcissists’

The truth is that many women – and men – are afraid to tell a potential suitor that they have/had cancer because they don’t want to scare the person off. I know a friend who was warned not to get involved with a breast cancer survivor (if it comes back) which is sad but unfortunately sometimes that’s the reality of what survivors go through.

See also: “Strong in Cancer:” Navigating new relationships while battling cancer is challenging

Breast cancer survivor and author Laura Morton says she really makes sure to be honest with the people she dates about what she’s been through.

“It’s part of who I am … but it’s not at all who I am,” says Laura. “It’s nothing I’m ashamed of. It’s nothing I regret. If anything, they need to know I don’t have much feeling there…it doesn’t do me much good if you play with my boobs.”

Related: Caitlin Kiernan gets intimate about dating after mastectomy

Honesty aside, Laura says it’s important to acknowledge that you experienced this big, life-changing fight. And she has some blunt advice for anyone dating someone who lacks that empathy. “If you’re with someone who has a problem with it… honestly, why are you with them? Show them the door…quickly.”

The good news is that sharing your health situation with someone early on can really help you gauge how that person is based on how they’re responding to your full disclosure. If it makes them uncomfortable, and if it puts them off, then, as Laura says, let them go! You’re better off saving yourself from further heartbreak.

However, there is a chance that they will listen to you, hopefully do their best to understand, show sympathy, and maybe even show that they are not upset.

Related: This 32-year-old woman decided breast cancer wouldn’t stop her from dating. She found love in the most unexpected way

So if you are interested in someone, try not to be afraid and just go for it!

Again, it’s up to you to determine how much you want to tell. Not immediately sharing an early-stage cancer battle you went through 20 years ago is one thing, but dating in your 20s, 30s, or 40s and not disclosing that you might have trouble conceiving because of cancer treatment is obvious another story. You will know what feels right.

3. It’s okay to just have fun!

Chances are, you might not be looking for anything serious, and there are plenty of others out there who are on the exact same page. Again, it boils down to honesty, but feel free to tell your date you’re not looking for anything serious. Whether you’ve been arranged by a friend or you’re on one of the dating apps, it’s usually pretty easy to tell if someone just wants to keep things casual or not.

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And who knows, maybe it may evolve into something else, but taking that pressure off of you and your “friend” may be the best route, depending on the situation. Then you can enjoy camaraderie, a night out and a little affection or attention after everything you’ve been through definitely couldn’t hurt!

The bottom line is, more and more people are realizing that they don’t need a partner to be happy, so it’s perfectly okay to feel content with being single.

Just keep the communication open; You deserve to go out and have a laugh!

4. Treat yourself

Many women understandably suffer from body image insecurities, not to mention other aspects of the physical and mental aftermath. After all, you’ve been (or are going to be) through some sort of war—to say the least.

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Not only is it important to indulge in a little indulgence here and there to lift your spirits, but once you’ve decided to put yourself out there and really do it, don’t hesitate to splurge, splurge, to splurge to add a little more bounce to your step!

Related: Body image, sex, and adjusting to a new normal after cancer treatment

Whether it’s a fresh haircut or the purchase of a new wig, dress, lingerie or lipstick, don’t think twice about pampering yourself. There’s nothing wrong with boosting your own spirits with something new, which can give you that extra confidence you need when heading out for a nice dinner somewhere in town or just cheering up at home.

5. It’s okay to be vulnerable

So, maybe you’ve met a new person and it’s getting serious. You’ve gotten through the whole “C” word conversation, but what happens when you’re having a bad day and you’re feeling emotional? Let it out.

See also: Fear, Anger, Anxiety – You are entitled to your emotions

Just as it’s important to be honest about what you’ve been through, it’s important to know that you can trust someone with the perceived “ugliness” of your post-cancer condition.

The Courage to Be Yourself: Meet survivor Ericka Hart

As many of us know, holding onto feelings in general will often only make things worse in the long run. If you want to get really close to someone and let them in, don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.

Most importantly, don’t forget to be yourself. you have that!

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